Friday, 9 February 2018

Blou Rain Hyland

Blou Rain Hyland

So this happened a few weeks ago but I have been too busy to find the time to write about it. What with university submissions, performance preparations and getting stuck into a new part time job and an exciting new business venture. 

But finally, its now's official. I am now renamed by deedpoll.
I feel true to myself and am finally Blou.

I made this choice after so much consideration and deliberation over the years.

I made myself an email address in 2007 – Blueloublou and thus started friends calling me Blue Lou.
I also started to connect with my second nickname Rain (from Lou-Rain) in 2009 when I set up my new blog Citizen Rain.

And then, in January 2017, my world fell apart and refracted. As I rebuilt it and put the pieces of myself back together I felt more Blou Rain than I had ever felt before. The time had come to finally own a name I felt represented my true nature.

It was based upon a number of considerations:-

  • A life long desire to get rid of a despised middle name. My mum openly regretted giving it to me, in an old fashioned attempt to try and please her adopted mother who turned out to be an absolute horror to us both. A name that I never felt connection to. Even as a child before I understood my mother’s history with it.  I have never used it, nor shared it. I am glad it is now officially removed, although spiritually it happened years ago.
  • My true first name, my official Sunday name, is Lorrain (yes without an e, its not a typo – and therein lies a whole new opportunity for many 'not using e' related stories. But that’s perhaps for another time...) Anyway my name was Lorrain. I acquired the nickname Lou when I was but a nipper and in my teens this was rediscovered, repeated and it stuck. I was glad to be Lou. It was more me, less Northfleet. Less Sharon Tracey and Lorrain from the estate or the office. (Prounounced Shaaaaraaan, Traaaaceeee and Laaarraine by the way.)
  • However in later life, in my place as part of my new home and community in the south west of Scotland, I met some friends who didn’t accept that Lorrain was such an awful sound for me to relate to myself. to be fair it does sound better in a Scottish accent. Yet it had connotations from my childhood, some ways the name can be pronounced, especially shouted, could send me into a PTSD place, formed by some of the abusive situations I had witnessed as a nipper. And I found myself frequently explaining some of this to my friends, as I requested they refrain from calling me Lorrain. "But its YOUR NAME!" They would profess. But still, no, I retained, my name is Lou. I only use Lorrain in a work capacity, or for official things like the electoral role.
  • I still hated it until wickerman, the year 2011 I think. During which, a good friend of mine and bum wiggling conductor of the local choir, purposefully and unwillingly on my part, first put me through community inspired exposure therapy to the tune of 70 plus choir members saying in unison “thanks Lorrain.” So big thanks to Graham Main. You started a yearly trend that in 2017 came to an impressive end when not only did the choir at Eden repeat the exposure again but including an audience of approximately one thousand people to call out "Thanks Lorrain.". I cried with joy and acceptance for the loving memories now related to this version of myself.
  • Yet my ongoing childhood obsession with planet earths resplendent display of the colour blue, (well all things blue really) and the acceptance that although I've been Lou to my darling dad & most friends for 30 odd years, it's just not quite how I feel about me, truly, since I set up my Citizen Rain blog almost 10 years ago. And so the blue lou rain ball began to roll stroll, grow and glow again.
Rather than shedding a new skin, I have grown a new coat. An imaginary majikal cape of armour, made from the shimmering sequins of my tiny fairy warrior inner being. I’ve added to who I am becoming, by being someone I was once was before. And yet I am a new version.
Blou Lou point two.

And it struck me, as I found myself signing into a building for the first time using the initials, B Hyland, that I realised the final homage here. To my mother. Mrs B Hyland. My birth mother, mother earth and spiritual guide. She would love the fact that I have taken her initial as my own, riding my vibration of the names I never felt honour of, yet taking on her initial with great pride. My new name is of great homage to my parents. Although they have not been together for over 20 years, this is something I feel I own as a reflection of myself and the amazing parentage who have supported me to the person I am today. Through my new name I honour my mum with the B for Beryl (Bezza to those who knew her) and Hyland for my wonderful and impressive dad. As I made this final discovery a piece of paper found its way mysteriously from a box in my office to the bedroom floor in my house reading:

"YOUR ONLY OBLIGATION IN ANY LIFETIME IS TO BE TRUE TO YOURSELF. BEING TRUE TO ANYONE ELSE OR ANYTHING ELSE IS NOT ONLY IMPOSSIBLE, BUT THE MARK OF A FAKE MESSIAH. - to my beautiful daughter, who I miss so very much, but love so dearly that you are always by my side. Take care Lou, All my love, Mum."

Proudly like a butterfly from its chrysalis, I rise with transformative splendour. I shimmy and flutter my invisible wings, stretch my arms wide and shake off the hardship of a long hard life lesson learned.

The final scars faded, the wounds healed. I raise my head proudly, face to the sky and call upon myself to always be grateful of learning, to carry the virtue of honesty and kindness in my soul and to dare greatly in the pursuit of happiness. Be Lou. I say to myself. Actually B Lou. Blou. 

So I made it official. Blou Rain Hyland.

Its ok if you forget and continue to call me Lou, as another friend pointed out last week, perhaps to some people the B will remain silent. I laughed. Its probably the only thing about me that could ever B silent.

Thank you to everyone who has offered me support and wisdom through my life journeys so far.
You know how far I have travelled and how much I have lost and gained. 
But now I feel whole again. 
And so begins the reign, of Citizen Blou Rain.

Peace, love and light, Blou