Sunday, 1 October 2017

Attachment issues

It took me two days to get over the feeling of loss from the person who turned my head and, for a short while had all of my heart.
Two days.
An impressive feat I feel. 

Two whole days of feeling heart broken and distraught. I had to cut all ties and hide.
I know it doesn’t seem long. Just two little days. But it felt like forever.

I went through a process of assessing my life traps. Searching and finding patterns. I reviewed my options. My short, medium and long term perceived reality. I didn’t want to hide from a truth. 

But then I realised, I was hiding from myself. 
Hiding from what I should have seen coming and knew all along. 
It was not now, nor ever how they would feel about me. 

Is this a classic case of, they are just not that into you?

I realised a number of things about myself...
I am not fixed in what I am capable of reaching for. On one hand I wish to be smitten, involved, adored, intimate, affectionate, desired and ‘wooed’. I imagine walks in the park, romantic meals for two and surprising that special someone dressed as their naughty fantasy. Yet on the other hand I want freedom, independence, sexual expression and poly adventures. I imagine myself doing all this with male and females partners, sometimes aaaaalll at the same time and still coming home with the person who wants to snuggle into a spoon and slob in bed all day on a Sunday with just me.

Also, in consideration of the entirety of all my relationships, it was clear that my desires, exploits and interests have not been evenly reflected back at me by those I have loved. I have experienced passion and great love but even greater pain and disappointment. Is that my expectations or their levels of love capability? I cannot help but fear that I must be difficult to please, too complicated and dare I say it...high maintenance? 

I also had to admit that I had been in love while in a loving relationship in the past. And upon reflection, from my two day duvet fort, I realised that deep down I’ve always known I can love more than one person at once. The challenge now, is to learn how to navigate carefully through the necessary information and confessions towards finding other like minded people to partner up with. And how to do this in a timely fashion, before I fall in too deep. 

In love and relationships I have standards that I won’t compromise. 
Yet I have so much to give. I love to connect on many levels. I love lots of adventure, sex, affection and having someone to spoil. Which made me think. Is this just my attachment stage? Am I pushing myself to discover what it must be like to have boundaries to parts of my heart or dare I say it life? 

Am I just repeating the same old pattern of relationship norms? And if so, what the fuck is my pattern?

When I poked my head out from under my clouded blanket I was able to see the lesson. 
Its an old one. Attachment. I still need to learn to be 'free from attachment to others.'

It’s a Buddhist saying I’ve known for over 20 years. I’ve always pondered it cautiously. Admiring it, yet not quite believing it can be possible to love and not be attached. But there it is. 

Are Buddhists right? The root of all suffering is attachment. 

In those two days I felt like I was suffering from a bad break up. Not a small realisation. I was in pain because I had grown attached. Yet it was a familiar pain. A sense of loss. 

Boom. All my previous relationship feelings and lessons brought me right back here. To the same spot. To a painful truth.
Regardless of my new outlook of openness and honesty. I was attached.

What followed was an uncomfortable silence with myself as I acknowledged a shocking, truth. 
I have attachment issues.

I decided to turn that into something that will now keep me on my toes and in check of my propensity to throw all my energy into another and obsess over the beauty and wonder of good loving. Am I just a hopeless romantic? Or hopeless at being unattached?

Is this a modern phenomenon of, they are just not attached to you? 

To stop the cycle my suffering I had to free myself of the attachment. Easier said than done. 
And swiftly on the back of that I was shocked to consider... I am really breaking my own heart. 

The heart doesn’t care for questions or considerations though does it? 
It just goes after what it desires. 

Based on all the amazing evidence I have given it to hang its hang ups upon, I don’t blame it. Ultimately I am glad it is still working. I know I can feel deeply about someone. I have not lost the ability to love wholeheartedly. For passion to influence my every breath. For excitement to course through my body in anticipation. My heart is working, halla-fucking-lullah!

I am still in the process of my unattachment, can you tell?

And as painful as the aftermath is, I have found one last single, simple truth. 
I have but one friend who really see's all the parts of me, both bright and blue and loves me in all my single embodiment of confusion.
One single friend left who really loves me like no other. 
And for now, thats all I can be attached to.

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