Tuesday, 19 October 2010

Speaking too soon

I’ve got a big mouth and a scarred heart,
I see lots of endings with nowhere to start
I’ve got two left feet both size nine
I get things wrong in plenty of time

I’ve got a way with words to pain your ears
Too blunt, too hard just bring you to tears
I’ve got nowhere to run, nowhere to hide,
Just a wandering mind like a moonless tide

I come down hard when you get things wrong
And shake you lifeless for not being strong
I only express emotion when I get the notion
Always causing an insensitive commotion

I’ve got a big mouth slapped all over my face
I’d like to tell it to leave this place
But its got me this far away from hell
And it might be big but it rarely yells

So I learn to live with it and show it respect
Occasionally I forget how to keep it in check
My neck is brass and my backbone strong,
And I can always say sorry when I have done wrong.

Thursday, 19 August 2010

Oh little one.

curling toes and running nose,
our future heir no breath yet knows,
in dreams with seams you appear,
milky soft delectable baby of mine,
I look forward through time and see my love of you.

Already nuture and savour your soul,
in my heart you are welded within our family mould,
your wonder so special, such honor to me,
we made you from love, we await eagerly,
to smell you, to hold you, to just watch you breath.

Oh little one, little one of mine,
small legs kicking out, tiny fingers wrapped around mine,
deep wonderous eyes remembering how,
when at last you are born, to shared moments of now.

Sunday, 1 August 2010

Glastonbury 2010

Glastonbury 2010

This years Glastonbury celebrated 40 years of the festival.
It was a poignant and memorable event, not just because of the 40th birthday but because it was the first year I have ever been without my mum.
I worked it out, its been 18 years that we have been going to Glasto, on and off, give or take the odd year. 18 years since the first weekend I snuck into the event, 16 years old and having told my mum that I was staying with a friend for the weekend. (bad girl that I was)

Half way through partying on the Saturday I practically bumped into my mum at the Greenfields crossroads. We both looked at each other, both looked caught and both looked utterly surprised. But then we both thought “ahhhhhuuh! So this is what you are into!” and from then on I never lied to my mum again, and Glasto became a regular feature of our life. In fact it is one of the places I feel at home. No matter what. Glastonbury is my sense of normality every year. My constant. As was my mum.

Imagine that? Glastonbury festival, being my constant, my norm. What on earth does that say about me?

Anyway, this year, the first festival after mums passing, was always going to be emotional and sad but I was determined to see it as a new start, be happy, feel her presence around me and through me, as this was the one place, that no matter what was going on in our lives, we always came home to Glasto. The one place, no matter what stresses or hardships we were going through, we always had great fun and were really close at Glastonbury. Glastonbury was a place we shared as friends, as a family and mostly like a bunch of nutters in a nut house, well...one made of canvas mostly. We created projects together, worked together, played together and partied together. So of course it would be strange without her this year.
Her presence was continually missed. But Pete and I made so much love and friendship that we got through it with smiles all the way, style and finesse!

This year’s Glastonbury was all about the people.

We have had years where it has been about the bands that have been awesome & made our festival so worth while, or spending most of our time in the Theatre Fields watching the most breath taking acrobats and stunts from across the world amaze your mouth into gape mode, or Trash City & Arcadia has scared us into an all night trance state submission of weirdness.

But this year? This year it was all about the people. And Sir Gilbert the VW campervan.

We met so many great, friendly, funny & caring people who quickly became our new field stomping friends. We met mad hatters who spoiled us with cocktail platters and campervan companions and massaging maniacs, all of whom shared our camping ground, our neighbourhood and eventually our hearts. We had some really good, easy times. Drank, smoke and partied together until the sun went down, came back up again and then set again in defeat at our party hard stamina.

Our Star decorated Gate that we built with Mick was an absolute success, everyone highly praised it and I could not have been more pleased nor proud. It was big, bold, bright and beautiful. Mum would have loved it.

She also would have loved Sir Gilbert. The beautiful blue VW Campervan, on loan to us from our most generous friend Karen. He made our festival an absolute luxury. Not just because he was waterproof and had a kitchen and bedroom built in. But because driving him was such fun, waving at other VWs made us giggly and Gilbert attracted smiles. He was adorable. He offered shade to everyone & had a healers power all of his own! He even got the hot’s for Nins VW, parked up behind us.

We kept the massaging campers topped up on tea and /or alcohol. We ran errands, boiled kettles and tried at times not to slam the VW door too loud (impossible.) All in all we were chuffed to bits to have landed right bang in the middle of such a great bunch of people. They made us smile, made us cocktails, made us sleep in the shade, made us go out & have more fun in their name, made us laugh, made our aches and pains go away but mostly, made our festival.

So a huge thanks goes out to all of them, (you know who you are), who camped around Sir Gilbert and Hot lil Honey and made out festivavl so special.

And talking of special, we have to mention the ceremony we held for mum. I was truly honoured to be able to inter some of her ashes in the field, so we would always be abnle to sit with her at the festivals and she would always be a part of the event. I was even more honoured to be able to put those ashes in the water garden, which had a HUGE snake writhing through the grass. It reminded me so much of Jim Morrisons song ‘This is the End’ which mum wanted played at her funeral, where he sings...’ride the snake.’ It was fitting and absolutely what she would have demanded!
The evening was bright, with the sun still burning down on us. I said a few words, through a choked and emotional throat, we sang ‘The Circle be Unbroken’ and cried as I said yet another sad goodbye to my beloved mum. But I was delighted that she will always be there, waiting for me. That evening Pete held me so tight, stroked my head until I slept away the emotion of my bereavement.

When the next dawn came, I felt like the snake. I had shed yet another skin and was ready to begin looking onwards and upwards into the sun. And what a place to be reborn! Lets party!!!!

Music? What about the music? What did we see? What was the best? Well...well...well...

We started off on Friday with the Magic Numbers, excellent. We had goosebumps and emotions on Friday afternoon at Florence in the Machine, especially with her acapella version of ‘You’ve got the Love.’ Then we stomped over to the main stage to catch Dizzee and await the awesome Gorillaz. Dizzee was much better than expected and we had a right ole groove on, although admittedly, most of our grooving we did on our own as we kept loosing each other in the huge crowd, due to toilet breaks (damn those pints of cider!) So we both went Bonkers without each other and decided from then on that toilet breaks would have to be taken together!!!

Gorillaz were odd but good. Lots of guest stars, most of whom were either old and couldn’t sing or fucked from the effects of drugs and couldn’t sing. All of which made it amusing to watch, especially Shaun Ryder staring like a space cadet at the sky and Mark E Smith singing out of tune. In between was some cracking jumping tunes and strange visual effects. All in all they were just okay. Which i guess for a Glastonbury headliner translates into a bit of a disappointment.

I watched Funkadelica with a couple of friends on Saturday night who were also amazingly great and funky. The first time I had come across them and I have to say they put on an amazing show. They did three encores and were totally vibrant and groovy - man!

For me my number one band was on Sunday with Faithless. As ever they rocked and as Maxi himself said, it was nice to see them in the daylight and watch the HUGE crowd rock, watch the sunset over the stage and see the tears in Maxi’s eyes as the reality of such a large crowd displayed their fingers as the crowd We Come ONE!

I rushed off to the loo on my own at one point (lesson never learnt), but leaving Pete with my purple fascinator in his hair, so i could easily identify him on the way back. It worked! But he had attracted a pair of transvestite fairies equipped with beautiful purple & black feather dusters by the time I returned – much fun.

We left after Faithless and fought our way against the crowds surging into the field for Stevie Wonder. However although we didn’t see him, we heard him as we went on munchie missions for the best part of the next couple of hours. We caught some truly magnificent guitar playing by Rodrigo & Gabriella and mellowed through our Sunday evening. It was a fine way to end our weekend.

Over the course of the weekend we did our usual of sitting propped up by a stone in the stone circle, cuddling under a blanket in the flag field catching the sunset on camera and in our eyes, wandered aimlessly always finding a route back to the Cider bus, posted weird postycards to our friends and picked up a few treasure gifts for our friends.

All in all we done mum proud. Her ceremony was moving and emotional. We partied in her honor all weekend. We loved our VW camper van and our new friends. We enjoyed the work, felt liberated and creative in our efforts and came home, spiritually happy with our journey and physically exhausted from the serious attempt to party through every priceless moment of Glastonbury 2010.

Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Morning Murmur Murkie

Early in the morning, with crisp icy toes, I saw you smile in your sleep
As I lay on your chest, heart beat under my chin, watching your slumber
you murmured and smiled ever so lovely, eyes tight shut to the dawn

Did you know I was there? Could you feel my weight upon you?
Could you sense me through your dreams? Was I there with you?
I breath in. Your scent here, warmth, cosy. Smells like home, like kisses.

Early this morning, wrapped tight from the cold in your dressing gown
I made you tea even though I knew you would sleep until it was cold
Because my thoughts are filled with you, and because you smile ever so lovely

Saturday, 24 April 2010

She would...

My mum would have sent me a card this week.
It would have said...
"Well done darling for passing all your Units for your SVQ in record time, with flying colours. I knew you could do it, I am proud of you. My clever girl!"
and it also would have said...
"You are doing so well at work, even though its not what you are best at, you amaze me every day and with your conitued committment and I am proud of the strong determined woman you have become."

She would have phoned me and shouted 'HOORAY' made appropriate noises and squeals of congratulations down the phone.
She probably would have bought me a bunch of flowers or a top or maybe something completel;y random and odd. Or she would have told me to go buy myself something nice as a reward.

But she's not here to say it. And she's not here to do it. I miss that. I miss her. And I know its unreasonable for me to expect anyone else to do the lovely things she did for me.

Just makes me realise even more, how lucky I was that she was my mum.

Saturday, 17 April 2010

Mad Chaffinch

There are a thousand birds that visit our garden but my attention is solely on one.

It’s a rather pink almost red chaffinch and it is obsessed with pecking and knocking on our windows. Not just one window...no that would be too easy to explain! This bird knocks at two of our windows specifically and constantly, possibly three but we are less trusting of the bird identification skills of the teenager in the house. Needless to say, this chaffinch will keep itself busy all day; I exaggerate not a jot, tapping at our office window. It is as if it wants to come in. We have studied its behaviour with great interest.

• Is it pecking off bugs?
• Is it fighting its own reflection?
• Is it a reflection of the sky and its trying to fly through?
• Is it aiming at something inside the room?

No. No. And no. It cant be.
We have wiped the window, looked at the window from outside at various times of day and see no mirror effect or transparency. We have studied the pattern of its behaviour (because it does this most of every day) and can see no proof that it is anything other than mad. It’s not flying at the window, it’s not pecking bugs off the window, it’s just tap tap tapping and flying back into the bush, where it watches the window and then starts the whole thing again. Then when you have ignored it tapping on the front window for 5-10 minutes, it moves round to the side window, looks me directly in the eye and starts tapping there.

In a moment of madness I thought it was my recently deceased mum trying to get in. But really?

And then two days ago it went another whole step further, when i was sitting in my car in the drive, finishing a text before I started the engine and drove off. The mad chaffinch landed on the window ledge of my door and tapped on the window! WTF? I watched it, as still as a dead dodo, really wanting to open the window and let it in. But as is ratted fiddling with buttons, which would not work as the car was turned off, it looked at me, (with disappointment I thought) and flew off again.
And now it’s back, of course, this morning, tap tap tapping. 5 minutes on one window, 1 minute on the side window, a quick whizz round the house and then back to the front window. I really want to let it in and see if it comes and perches on my shoulder like an old friend, or tries to peck my eyes out.

It will probably do nothing unusual other than act like a bird trapped in a house, fly into things and crap everywhere. I wouldn’t mind that so much, purely for the experimentation, but its our office window its tapping at, which means it would crap everywhere near all our most expensive equipment AND there are plenty of places for it to get trapped in its mania (like behind bookcases, computers, in corners with wires and servers and the like) So letting it in the two tapping windows it probably not one of my best ideas.

Hopefully it will start tapping on another window soon and I can let it in that one!
Bloody mad chaffinch!

I don’t believe it, no sooner had I spoken (actually I never said the line out loud, I just typed it but I thought it obviosuly)...I was just setting up my camera on a stand to get some footage of the mad thing, when I hear tap tap out the back. The amazingly telepathic chaffinch was sitting on the handle of my back door, tapping on the door frame! Again – WTF?

I’ve now opened the door, checked where it was tapping for signs of bugs or things it could have been tapping at but its clean. No bird temptations on there.
What does it want?

Well the door is left open now, everyone will moan when they get up as it is freezing but i need to know why this bird wants in the house so much....

Monday, 22 March 2010

Karma Conscience

I look back now at what has been before. My history, my life. I find it has been full of traits.

Loyalty. Strength. Defiance. Independence. Compassion.
Addictive. Lost. Insecure. Vulnerable. Determination. Many traits and let’s not forget traitors.

Traitors? Yes, those who know the truth but choose to ignore it. They don’t necessarily betray you directly, but their existence is about betrayal, deceit, traitors to the mask they wear. Traitors to the earth and its honest thrum. Those who worm their way into your heart or soul by hearing your song. Then warping the sounds into something truly wrong. They live in danger, destructive behaviours and touch all they meet with their damaged relations. These people are, quite simply, choosing to be bad. They make the choice, to ignore the good in themselves and testify to be bad.

They may have suffered trauma. We all do. In some shape or form. All individualised. None of it about comparison. What makes the difference between the traitors and the rest of us, is what we do to overcome our traumas.

Who braves their soul and seeks help?
Who hides from their soul and seeks oblivion?

They make the choice, to ignore their conscience and continue to blame the world.
Then they wonder why nothing good ever becomes of them.

We are all mirrors.
That which we imagine, feel or give out, we get back.
Do you believe in karma? If not, do you believe in every action has a reaction?
My life has been full of reactions. Now I am left leading the action.

And i see the way forward.
Embrace yourself, embrace your soul, learn your hardships and change the pattern of destruction.
Become one with yourself. Become one before you inflict yourself on anyone else.
Be alone. Be one. Come undone.
Start again. Be honest. Find truth.
The final trait will see you home, you will never be alone.
When you have honesty, Karma is on your side.

Sunday, 21 March 2010

Free words from the past

In my pages there are many others, sisters and brothers, grandfathers and mothers,
I am the function for words to arrive,
Creating a picture, make words come alive
I am a pathway, a passage, a zone.
Some ideas come together, some come through alone.
I have no objective but to flow with the inspiration,
Being compelled to spell out stories for the nation,
I have no identity, I am here to serve.
I must write what I feel, I must keep my nerve.
In the pages I write, I am additional to me,
I am he, she, thee. I am all of you, I am free.

Friday, 12 March 2010

Electronic Nation

The determination of our youthful nation, to be spiteful and catty behind their electronic narration, where’s their inspiration to be a sensation? Leaves my heart sad, my head mad, everything turned bad, all for the sake of showing hate at their dads.

And for no other purpose than to live life like a circus, hurt us, rebuke us, make out their mess is so damn perfect, but remember, it is we who taught your learnings, now we’re yearning for the respect to be dealt us.

All left behind now, the love the health the happiness, all left in the dark last choice over laziness, first train to nowhere, last train back, under attack, for the things in life that they lack, live in a shit shack, no one gonna watch their back, give it a proud slap, inside they turn black and their attitude slack.

Our young minds live absent from the real world, no grace, never done a face to face with their feelings, anxiety would hit the ceiling, like a French clown, always the frown, wont come down, without messing around, for they don’t know, how to make relations work, responsibility shirk, chose to be alone with their keyboards and a chat zone.
You hold the love, like a dove, true white, shining light, high above their fright, hold it tight all night, but their gone in their mind, so unkind, blind to the times, communication from youth nation is a painful taxation, always try to read between the lines, wouldn’t know honesty if it jumped on their behind, never mind.

All you can do is send out love and be true, keep away from the blues, hope they come back soon. See the light, and what’s right for they should be soaring the heights, seeing sights but they sit and prefer to type all night, its not right.

Sunday, 14 February 2010

Parental Instincts

Children are the most amazing gift to a human, to a mother, to earth and to life eternity. With a child's life comes great responsibility. They are the most important responsibility anyone will ever have. No question.

A mother will love and fear for her child against all odds. No matter how mature and able to problem solve you are, children can shake your security to the bone. How do you know you are getting it right? Are they safe? Where is the parenting manual? Where indeed...

Although I worked with children, and loved it, from a young age, my skills were partially taught and partially natural nurture instinct. So, where does motherly instinct come from? And at what point do you inherit it? I believe it clicks on at any given moment. I remember mine profoundly...

It was the night of the day I found out I was pregnant. The first night I tried to sleep, comfortable in the knowledge that my GP had confirmed I was carrying a child.
Over the course of that sleepless evening, through a series of thought processes and shifting around of my own plans, looking ahead to a new era, new dreams transpiring and endless lists, suddenly I felt it. ‘CLICK’ All my priorities changed. Everything I ever wanted for myself put on hold for my new focus.

I must protect this child. I must love and protect this child. And that feeling never goes away.

Unfortunately I had three pregnancies that did go away, three sorrowful miscarriages. I got over it. But what never leaves, is your maternal instinct. Your ability to nurture a child, rock a baby to sleep, keep control of a tantrumous toddler, give advice to a teenager. All my compassion and love and organisational skills, just waiting to be plied into parenting.

I don’t believe anyone truly knows what they are doing. Or truly gets everything right. For every child is different, a colossal ingenious make up of hormones and beauty and individuality. So each pathway you chose as a parent is different, to ensure that each child has a world of opportunity laid out for them. How can you ever know what is exactly the right way? ( unless your child is a clone of a child you have had already, which isn’t likely is it?) So parenting is experimental to a certain degree surely? All you can do is pool your resources, be responsible, research your methods and underpin everything with love and moral values.

Or you can wait on the manual!

Thursday, 11 February 2010

Valentine Poem

I love you because....

you understand me even when I don't understand myself

you bring me cups of tea without me asking

you smile at me no matter what and it always melts my heart

you smell good even when you are filthy

you listen to all my plans and let me build an imaginary empire

you want to move abroad with me

you love the little things i hate about myself

you see nothing but good in me

you make me feel like a beautiful sex goddess

you always make me laugh

you never shout at me or call me horrible names

you stroke my hair for hours when we cuddle up in front of the tv

your love is the most precious emotion i've ever been given

I love you because you are the most amazing person i know

I love you...

Just because.