Saturday, 28 November 2009

If you had three wishes...

If you had three wishes what would YOU choose?

I have never ever known the answer to this question, ever since the panto days of my youth, with the magic Genie or the fairy godmothers. Any of those sneaky characters that offered three wishes. You cant just keep asking for more wishes, that's just fair nor right. I’ve had a few ideas over the years but none of them very tenable, none of them was I actually prepared to commit to. But today I thought of a defo.

1. Spend 24 hours being able to go back in time & see people you know when they were younger. Watch your mum in her hay day. Being sassy and drunkenly witty. Admire your father being all businessey and efficient, driving fast like a lunatic but managing not to kill himself (or others.) Watch your partner as a child learn some important lesson and become stronger, more wholesome from it. Watch people being born. See how your parents fell in love. Listen to conversations about you as a baby. Laugh at the clothes people wore, the way their homes were decorated. Visit each of your grandparents when your baby parents were enjoying bath time. Watch them get married. Maybe even find an hour to go way back and see Einstein, or Galileo, or Tolkien or Buddha. I think it would be 24 hours well spent.

Wish 2 and 3 are still to be confirmed. What would you choose?

Thursday, 19 November 2009

Farewell Mum

I am trying to deal with the sad passing of my dearly adored and much loved mum. She died suddenly at the young age of 63, peacefully in her home one day. Gladly without any pain or suffering. It is only those who are left behind who feel the pain and suffer. We miss her.

She has left a gaping hole in all our lives and all our hearts. For her vitality and beauty was wondrous. She recharged you when she was around, with her generous cuddles, her wisdom and her compassion. Always her compassion.

I try to talk about her everyday, i try to carry on bravely, in her honour, enriching my life as best I can, as if she is here watching, saying well done Lou, that was a good thing you did. I talk to her as if she is right by my shoulder. But i miss her. Sometimes so much it is a huge weight to bear.

Yesterday was my first day back at work. I have the best boss and the most supportive team ever, enabling me to manage my own ‘phased’ (slow and gentle) return. And for my first day, it was ok.
Very emotional, very very draining and my concentration was shot to pieces. I didn’t do much work, just tried to settle in. I enjoyed the stories of mum, for so many people had worked with her, knew her or wanted to express how they had met her once and the strong impression she made on everyone.

Today is my first morning of getting back to a routine of some quiet time before the house wakes. Time to write, reflect and kick start my imagination. I woke before my alarm (always a joy for me because we have a horrid alarm at the moment.) i got snuggles and cuddles from my wonder man before i slipped out of bed to make porridge. Porridge, green tea and my writing time. Mum would usually be getting up now too.

But nothing comes today. I sit at my screen and stare, for nothing is there. Mum is not there.
And this morning the pain of losing her seems too much to bear.
All i can think to type, is how i feel. No grand gestures. No quirky conundrums. No discussion points. No stories. No blogs. No lessons to learn. No moans or groans, no delightful tales to relay.

Just a dark rainy day, with no mum.

Thursday, 12 November 2009

Daisies beneath my toes

I know I’ve told you a thousand times, as a mum you did truly shine
And that I learnt so many lessons from you, mostly just in time.
I’m glad we had our struggles & found our laughter too,
I know you understand, it was all worth what we went through.

It’s hard now life has taken from me, the one I walked beside,
Who will fill the place you did, and love me deep inside?
I have to focus on your memory now and make my life my own
But I will never forget your guidance or the ways you have loving shown

Be peaceful mother sister, for I will soon be content
My years of past regrets, bad choices are all spent
I will still talk to you and confide my weekly woes,
For you are the sunshine in my hair, the daisies beneath my toes.

I’m happy that your beautiful spirit has finally been set free,
I’ll miss our quiet time together, no longer rest my head upon your knee.
I will walk my own path now, in your honour flex my wings alone,
And when I am adventuring will always bring your memory home

I know I’ve told you a thousand times, as a mum you did more than great,
I love you being my good ole mum, a treasure and more than a mate,
For your heart is strong, your compassion true and your kindness always show,
You made me the sunshine in your hair, the daisies beneath your toes.

R.I.P Mum.xx