Saturday, 30 December 2017

Phoenix Rising 2018

It all started with a kiss,
Ridiculous instigated game from inebriated bliss,
Nothing sinister, nothing insane,
Just a bunch of consenting pals, playing a game.

Except it was unpicked in hindsight, unpicked in fear,
That not all the kisses were friendly that new year,
In one particular couple it caused a fracture so sharp,
That the end bells tolled and cupid threw down his harp.

A mutual uncoupling became a one sided game of distaste,
With outrage and pain thrown all over the place,
The rewriting of good times, the dismember of truth,
Blew all the great memories like soot through the roof.

Dusty and dark, black pointless grains,
Scattered over the story of a love lost with no gain,
The subject of personal generosity became the name of the blame,
The last pieces of our life viewed through distorted broken glass pain.

Yet out of the bottomless pit of the self doubt that it caused,
Came a phoenix rising, climbing through the glass with blue claws,
Breathing fire so fierce to burn a way out,
And finally found the strength needed to get out.


You will not break me, I am free to fly!
I loved you as best as I could before I laid down to die,
Who I was through your eyes diminished me and made me cry,
I have nothing left to give you, yet I can promise I tried.

It took months of soaring upon my wings alone,
To see the truth and find my way home,
And now its over I have found something divine.
I have found myself. My spirit is mine.

I can shine so bright, without any fight,
I can twist and turn while grounded and during flight,
I have given more than I ever received,
I will no longer fool myself or by the games of others never again be deceived.

2017 you were a shit storm of a year,
But I learned so much, that I no longer fear,
Of what is coming ahead or what I have left behind,
Only the truth of my generosity now lives in my mind.

I wish you farewell, with the very last I have left,
To look back without heartbreak, no longer bereft,
And take what I want into the next chapter I’ve seen,
And bring all of my awesome into 2018.

Thursday, 9 November 2017

So so in...

And then everything changed
A marvel unravelled
Truths were told
Feelings declared
Skin was caressed
Lips were licked
Fingers were entwined
Backs were arched
And two became one

Everything became real
Majik shimmered around
Feet left the ground
Breathing the only sound
Hearts beat so fast
Smiles unending
As dreams unfold
Promises told
For our story has now begun


Monday, 23 October 2017

Being so in, being so low

Noone was hurt in the making of this story….but…well, actually…I was.

There is a reason its called being ‘in love’ and not being of love, or loved by or having love with another.
Its in love. Being right in it. In the moment. Consumed in. Given in. Falling in.
Its all so…..in. I didn’t know how to be out again.

Do we ever really feel the love from another long enough to know how changeable and conditional it is? Or do we feel enough of it to then run around consumed in our own interpretation of what their love means, what it could be, what opportunities it holds, what dreams it can aspire to.
Are we ever in love with another or in love with our idea of being in love with another?

Right now I am heartbroken. I had a three day love affair. It was the most sensual love of my life. It bloomed from a place of long friendship, mutual intrigue and respect. From a place I have held treasured in my heart for so long. It took my breath away.

Being a couple of souls recently broken up from another love, we were super aware of all our fallibilities and the risk for emotional attachment and relationship centric issues. I thought I did a good job at keeping my expectations and attachment issues in check. We had a wonderful time in the moment of three days of sharing, laughing and sensual moments. It was the most beautiful thing I have felt in years.

Sadly it was to end. We both were not quite ready. There were feelings of guilt and pain threaded through some of the after effects. The timing was not right.

In that moment, we felt compassion for our healing selves.

In the discovery of how much we wanted to give ourself to another, we found we had not fully given into ourselves, and reached ourself fully. We still were unsure of ourselves, and needed to heal our doubt.

The power of such an intense lesson, to better yourself through the visions of what you want to be to another, to be the best version of yourself in the here and now, is a beautiful thing.

It made me sad because in all its intense beauty, it was there to remind me to slow down, find my inner self love. But I did not want to stop being in the moment with them.


Monday, 2 October 2017

Look forward, don’t run.

October marks the month when I thought I would be walking away from my current job and into a new life, and a new position in a beautiful company. I have wanted to get out of my current job for years, I am putting myself through part time study to qualify in a new vocation to do just that.

But this time last year, I didn’t think I could cope any longer and put feelers out, to move on.
I found an amazing opportunity to work with an inspiring individual in an ethical company.
But as time moved towards the decision to stay or leave, and as I weighed up all the pro’s and con’s, I got more messaging about my path, than I have ever received about a single choice I must make...
Those messages said - just be still.

Its a concept I have never applied in life. Not really.
I am a total go getter and problem solving activist.
But at that point in my life, every time I asked for guidance, the answer was - slow down and just be.

It has taking some effort to apply this to my life, at all. But the area I needed to apply it most, was at work.

I turned down the job offer and stuck my head into my studies.
As disappointed as I was, it felt right.
After all, I had a plan in place to get out. Just one more year!

Eventually crunch time came at my work. It became unbearable. Isolating. Unrewarding.
Yet rather than punish myself with feelings of dissatisfaction and the pressure to move on, I made a hard move to be honest with the bosses about my perception of the job in hand. I confronted their pace of progress verses my productivity. I explained my sense of deflation and frustration with the job.

Surprisingly, I was heard loud and clear.
Suddenly the job changed and it became something tranquil, slow and steady and dare I say it...easy?  It became the one area of my life where I could tick jobs off and find satisfaction, if I just re-framed it differently. It was all about how I looked at it, appraised it and approached it.

I still want and need to get out. I cannot maintain this approach whole-heartedly forever. It would be dishonest. But I totally appreciate that in my current time span, the job I am in, is doing what it needs to do, for me. It is straight forward and easy to complete.
It is, in honesty, a place of calm if, I let it.

I know that the end is in sight. I am months away from completing my studies and hopefully not that long away from selling my property too. Then, to coin a phrase, the world is my oyster!

I am a little sad as the marker passes by this week, but I cannot help reflect that all things considered, I am, exactly where I am meant to be right now.

After all, I have a huge amount of final study papers to submit for my university deadline of the 31st January. I also have six weeks of group work to deliver and write up, presentations to create and present, weekly classes to attend until mid December and a house to sell.

If I was starting a new job now, I would have added stress, deadlines and train travel into my depleting capacity.

So it strikes me. By not running towards my perceived destination, I have ended up there anyway. Or at least in touching distance of it. It is so close its palpable. Exciting. Enticing.

All I need to do now is continue the pace and cross the finish line and finish my own race with grace.

My planning ahead is finally coming to fruition. It proves to me...

Look forward, don’t run.


Sunday, 1 October 2017

Attachment issues

It took me two days to get over the feeling of loss from the person who turned my head and, for a short while had all of my heart.
Two days.
An impressive feat I feel. 

Two whole days of feeling heart broken and distraught. I had to cut all ties and hide.
I know it doesn’t seem long. Just two little days. But it felt like forever.

I went through a process of assessing my life traps. Searching and finding patterns. I reviewed my options. My short, medium and long term perceived reality. I didn’t want to hide from a truth. 

But then I realised, I was hiding from myself. 
Hiding from what I should have seen coming and knew all along. 
It was not now, nor ever how they would feel about me. 

Is this a classic case of, they are just not that into you?

I realised a number of things about myself...
I am not fixed in what I am capable of reaching for. On one hand I wish to be smitten, involved, adored, intimate, affectionate, desired and ‘wooed’. I imagine walks in the park, romantic meals for two and surprising that special someone dressed as their naughty fantasy. Yet on the other hand I want freedom, independence, sexual expression and poly adventures. I imagine myself doing all this with male and females partners, sometimes aaaaalll at the same time and still coming home with the person who wants to snuggle into a spoon and slob in bed all day on a Sunday with just me.

Also, in consideration of the entirety of all my relationships, it was clear that my desires, exploits and interests have not been evenly reflected back at me by those I have loved. I have experienced passion and great love but even greater pain and disappointment. Is that my expectations or their levels of love capability? I cannot help but fear that I must be difficult to please, too complicated and dare I say it...high maintenance? 

I also had to admit that I had been in love while in a loving relationship in the past. And upon reflection, from my two day duvet fort, I realised that deep down I’ve always known I can love more than one person at once. The challenge now, is to learn how to navigate carefully through the necessary information and confessions towards finding other like minded people to partner up with. And how to do this in a timely fashion, before I fall in too deep. 

In love and relationships I have standards that I won’t compromise. 
Yet I have so much to give. I love to connect on many levels. I love lots of adventure, sex, affection and having someone to spoil. Which made me think. Is this just my attachment stage? Am I pushing myself to discover what it must be like to have boundaries to parts of my heart or dare I say it life? 

Am I just repeating the same old pattern of relationship norms? And if so, what the fuck is my pattern?

When I poked my head out from under my clouded blanket I was able to see the lesson. 
Its an old one. Attachment. I still need to learn to be 'free from attachment to others.'

It’s a Buddhist saying I’ve known for over 20 years. I’ve always pondered it cautiously. Admiring it, yet not quite believing it can be possible to love and not be attached. But there it is. 

Are Buddhists right? The root of all suffering is attachment. 

In those two days I felt like I was suffering from a bad break up. Not a small realisation. I was in pain because I had grown attached. Yet it was a familiar pain. A sense of loss. 

Boom. All my previous relationship feelings and lessons brought me right back here. To the same spot. To a painful truth.
Regardless of my new outlook of openness and honesty. I was attached.

What followed was an uncomfortable silence with myself as I acknowledged a shocking, truth. 
I have attachment issues.

I decided to turn that into something that will now keep me on my toes and in check of my propensity to throw all my energy into another and obsess over the beauty and wonder of good loving. Am I just a hopeless romantic? Or hopeless at being unattached?

Is this a modern phenomenon of, they are just not attached to you? 

To stop the cycle my suffering I had to free myself of the attachment. Easier said than done. 
And swiftly on the back of that I was shocked to consider... I am really breaking my own heart. 

The heart doesn’t care for questions or considerations though does it? 
It just goes after what it desires. 

Based on all the amazing evidence I have given it to hang its hang ups upon, I don’t blame it. Ultimately I am glad it is still working. I know I can feel deeply about someone. I have not lost the ability to love wholeheartedly. For passion to influence my every breath. For excitement to course through my body in anticipation. My heart is working, halla-fucking-lullah!

I am still in the process of my unattachment, can you tell?

And as painful as the aftermath is, I have found one last single, simple truth. 
I have but one friend who really see's all the parts of me, both bright and blue and loves me in all my single embodiment of confusion.
One single friend left who really loves me like no other. 
Me. 
And for now, thats all I can be attached to.

Friday, 22 September 2017

Polyamorous dilemma

Am I polyamorous right now? Will I be forever?
Is it a reflection of my past? Is it a refraction of my future self?

I am trying to work out if I am on a polyamorous journey right now or forever.

 In fact can I even answer this question or it will be answered for me?

I come from a place where my previous monogamous relationships have not met all my needs, have included episodes in all of them where one or the other partner ended up getting their needs met elsewhere (notice I didn’t say ‘cheating’ as I don’t believe this exists when your needs are not met.)
I accept that many of my affectionate and intimate desires have not been offered to me by the one’s I have loved.

How could you I them then? If they were not right for me… So much of them was right though. And I fell in love anyway. How was I to know they were not right? I certainly didn’t believe in perfect and don’t measure anyone by it either.

All my previous relationships have been long and committed. I’ve even been married. The last of my relationships was for almost ten years and it was the most open, equal and brutally honest commitment I had ever shared with anyone. Our levels of communication were incredible and our acknowledgment of our differences and our needs always clear and tabled. If we could not meet each others needs we sought to consent to them being met elsewhere and put ourselves through individual therapy if we had issues with accepting what each other needed. Permission and consent. It felt mature and equal and fair. But it still didn’t work out.

On reflection I know I am complex, but isn’t everyone? I am powerful, strong, intimidating awe and a force to be reckoned with. I have complicated intricate dreams of the world but I hold myself absolutely accountable for my own life and experiences. I know I am hard to love. Yet I receive love from many and it changes my world. It makes me whole.

I know I seek to connect. I love to be with people and to feel value from them.

I ask constantly to seek to understand my boundaries and my needs. I ask this a lot of myself.

If you look up Polyamorous in a dictionary, or google it online you will find a description like this –

The state of having multiple sexually or romantically committed relationships at the same time, with the consent of all partners involved.

“Polyamorous communities emphasize love and honesty in their multi-partner relationships.”

The key words here being, consent of all involved.

Now it would seem, from my limited time exploring this, that consent is given easily if it’s a one night stand, (commitmentless) or a romantic Asexual relationship you agree to engage upon (with acknowledgement of sexual needs met elsewhere). Consent is given freely and often quickly when the offer is instantaneous and immediately gratifying. Obvious really isn’t it?

And that’s only if you really feel the need to explain these dynamics of yourself. Because if you don’t intend on seeing them ever again, what business is it of theirs what your bigger life balance story is?

Being new to this I find it ruins the heat of the moment when I just want to taste someone’s peachy lips to have to explain my wordy over thought, my new way of being, the experimental ways I am trying to fulfil my own needs. To then spatter from a verbal gun of under practiced phrases of my polyamorous explanation. Its quite a mouthful, and not the right mouthful either. Apparently I haven’t learnt my ‘phrase’ yet!

But what happens if you get into something good and intimate that bowls you over, blows you the fuck away in all the surprises it has in store for you and punches a button that you want to keep being pushed?

What happens when you have thrown yourself in before you knew it, given all of you, because it’s the best you have tasted in a long long time. It’s the safest you have felt, the hardest you have laughed, the fullest you have loved, the longest you have day dreamed about someone. But then, it gets a bit obvious its more, its verging on that elusive yet seductive place of getting serious. You discuss these boundaries further and they, no longer give consent.

Boom.

Your delicious dancing dreams shatter like fragile crystals and your heart breaks into a million pieces of personal confusion. You second guess what you did wrong, what you don’t have enough of and you gasp that terrible last breath of feathered futuristic fantasy before the walls go up, you protect your wounded heart and feel alone again.

What if you have fallen? Head over heels for something really good? When you thought all your cards were on the table, when you thought you had been clear and open and honest. And as your feelings hot up and your emotions attach hold of that delicious new person, who you want in your life, who you find has opened a new part of you, who you can’t imagine letting go. What happens next?

It feels like losing love for a part of yourself that you had not fully experienced or acknowledged yet.

Consent is important. Communication is the key to understanding what consent does or doesn’t unlock.

Surely it should prevent me from getting into something I don’t want for myself.

Accept in this scenario it didnt prevent me at all. I am already there. I am in.
This person is deeply under my skin.
And so the pain begins.

My heart and soul has committed and now I am trying to withdraw.

I feel hurt. I have lost a love I dreamed was beautiful. Easy. Free.
But its not how they feel about me.
So I have to let it be.
And that’s not at all easy.

In my explorations, I discovered territories new which I now feel I have got lost.
But really I have lost myself, and in the process lost love all over again.

I recognise this pain.

Yet another part of me is shouting loud.
You can do this! You can be less attached. You can enjoy the moment and stop living in the future of what may come. After all Lou Rain,  is that not what you are supposed to be exploring?
Does this not feel like a lesson, pain for a gain?

Is not change the precursor for a perception of a loss or gain?

Make it gain!
Rise again!
Gain on yourself Lou Rain!

For the person who will love you the most, the person who will always see you and know you, comfort you and congratulate you...is in fact you Lou.

So I endeavour to make this pain into a gain. To try and understand how to move on quickly and happily, with permission to learn and consent to try again.


I give consent to myself.

Monday, 11 September 2017

Yo Yo for the OBO

OH---MY---WORD!
Not quite sure how to tell you this without either making you insanely jealous or sounding like a right new age hippy shagtastic weirdo. Either way, i dont care and I'm gonna tell you anyway.

I have discovered the OBO!
Out of Body Orgasm.

Not something I knew existed, not something i knew could happen.
But it happened to me none the less, so it did!

Now your gonna have to bear with me on the explanation, might not be pleasant for you to imagine this! But hey...a bloggers gotta say what a blogger wants to say!

So they we are, brand new booty call and male bringer of all things ripped, hunky and horny, in my bed. We are getting it on, being racy and horny and grinding our way through a delight of sexual pleasures and for me multiple orgasms galore! I am on top and we are bouncing and laughing and enjoying every thrill seeking sexual second. It felt out of this world.

I threw back my head and as I began to reach another climax I found myself closing my eyes.
Not something I usually do.
Usually I am a eyes wide open kinda girl.
Look into my eyes and see the surprise, kinda girl.
And then it happened. I threw my had right back. And the next thing... I saw us from above the bed...

I looked down and saw us shagging on the bed. The back of my head, his body, my body.  We looked incredible! Yet it happened so quick, it shocked me. And all of that orgasmic excitement rippled through my body on the bed and sparked into the sense of my body above the bed.
I gasped.
And then like the snap of a hypnotists fingers, I was 'back in the room'.
WOWSERS!

He said I looked blank. No expression, just shock and then awe and then puzzlement and then smiles! I had no words at first. I could not quite believe what I had seen. Myself! Shagging! Like...while I was there! Not a dream at night or anything. Imagine that! I still do...

Truly amazing.

I felt like I had experienced the most awesome spiritual selfless sexual wonder ever. Him? not so much but that's ok, I don't need his validation to acknowledge my journey!

Truly blew my mind. It was awesome and outta this world, certainly outta my body!

There is a biological explanation for all this. And although it takes away the mystical / spiritual attachment to this experience it still makes me gawp at the intensity of what must have just happened to my physical body so its worth thinking about...

When we orgasm and in particular multiple orgasms, a lot of signals are sent to our brain. As competent and complex as our brains are, they can only accept and cope with so much stimulation. If they begin to receive too much stimulation they create a 'circuit break'. Like a kind of shut down. Whilst you are in the state of shut down you are likely to visualise the last memory image. Similar to dreaming.

Therefor during my overload of orgasmic proportions, sending multitudes of stimulation to my brain, it defended overload by shutting down, for a brief second or three. And while I was 'out' my brain translated the last known images from my iris and therefore I saw myself in my minds eye, exactly where I was! Clever huh?

I'm not sure which explanation I prefer, as both have elements of truth, mystery and science about them. Both I understand and can relate to. Yet ultimately both are simply words and what I experienced was a whole universe away from words. True ecstasy. Selflessness. Out of Body Feeling of utter elation. Behold! I have discovered the Out of Body Orgasm.

Behold the beauty of the OBO!

Thursday, 10 August 2017

Its scone to far

So I’m driving today. I had a driving a lot day today. Here there and everywhere. 
Rolling hill and shifting gear. 
Early start for a 9am presentation over the hill. 
So I’m done there by 10am and looking for coffee. 
My 7am weetabix are wearing off, so I purchase a latte with a scone too. For some reason I don’t take the opportunity to return my purse to its bag before taking ownership of my change, a cream & jam scone and a burning hot latte to go.

Now why is it that cafes give you a burning hot coffee to go? Yet the one you get in the shop is cool in ten flipping seconds? Who needs scolding hot coffee on the trot? Give me drinkable in five coffee please? Not, 'burn your lips off as the car bumps or the train rolls around corners' coffee.

So I struggle out the shop, balancing all my purchases and belongings in one hand as I reach for the door handle. Predictably I spill some burning hot coffee onto my already burnt thumb (oven door). Ouch! 
So now I’m a little bit annoyed but also glad I didn’t spill the whole coffee. I gather my senses, load up my car and head off. Securing the coffee safely in a cup carrier, as there is no chance I am gonna be able to drink it on the move, in fact I will be lucky if the thing has cooled down by tomorrow.

I travel out of the village from where I have come, enjoying the curving road, dreaming how wonderful they will drive when I purchase my next car. Hopefully my dream car. Being awe struck by the colours and enjoying the sunshine rays across the morning sky.

I am picking small bite size lumps off my scone, which is also placed in the central food reservation...or console....m,iddle bit of the car, ya know?

Through the wiggles and winds of the country lanes (although this is an A road) I catch up with a rickety old van, probably being driven by a rickety old man. It’s slow, positively snail pace and if anything as large as a logging lorry comes towards it, it slows more. But I’m content to poodle behind it for now. It’s a glorious morning and I’m slightly distracted by eating and it is a really dangerous road for passing places.

In the meantime I am fighting with my scone. Right hand on the wheel, left hand buried in the scone bag, it doesn’t want to give up a chunk, it’s resisting separation, yet I must have some! 

I pull the whole scone from the bag, rest the bag on my knee and rest the scone on top of that. I am lifting the ample delight towards my gaping mouth when my periphery danger alert snaps on! 
Danger alert! Danger alert! My vision notices the before mentioned van appearing rather largely in my front window. I realise with some distress and amazement that the dozy van driver has come to an stop on an S bend, due to an oncoming lorry. I have no option than to jump on the brakes and perform an emergency stop. 

The tyres screech and smoke, the scone whizzes off my lap quicker than you can throw a Frisbee and hurtles around the front windows of the car. Explodes over them and the steering wheel, rolls onto my knee, down my boots and lands nice and creamily half on top of the acceleration pedal, half in front of the brake.
Great.
I try and remove some of the mess around the steering wheel as I drive on tip toes to the nearest parking space. When I stop I can’t believe the mess everywhere. I swear there was never that much in it the bloody scone in the first place! As I survey the catastrophe and begin to climb out of the car for a shake, I realise myself and the car looks like the murder scene of a baker. 

I have scone and jam chunks in my hair, the steering wheel is greasy, though very shiny and my foot pedals are caked in...well cake!

More than anything I am gutted as I am still hungry. I pick dirt free scone off myself, the floor and the steering wheel and nibble as I wipe down my knees and boots. Everything a slight greasy creamy smell!

I clean up the car, drive on thoughtfully and vow two things.
1. I will no longer eat in the car whilst driving


2. I will never behave like this in my TVR!

Friday, 28 July 2017

Friendly Flip Charts

There once was a Christmas day not so far far away...
And on that day a gang of us got together for a party.

In our inebriated state of minds we decided to prepare for new year and hung large pieces of paper from the walls with different headings. The idea being we made a note of poignant topics / issues / statements that were made throughout the course of the conversations across the evening.

It was a wild night. Much was discussed. Much was disgust. Most was just gusto.

Some of these I think deserve to be MEMEs. And so i shall make it happen!

Here are the notes from what transpired throughout the evening.

HOPES AND DREAMS FOR 2017

  • can we be as one? We will be as one!
  • Let me be who I really want to be.
  • It would be the first time...
  • we will be as successful as we want to be!
  • Conscious Cake fame
  • Life partner and baby on the way.
  • World Peace
  • Separation (from the past) 
  • Our circle of friends grows bigger and stronger
  • Want to be amazing but don’t know how?
  • Just believe. (but don’t leave)
  • Enjoy yourself
  • To really relax
  • Stop caring what everyone else thinks – who gives a fuck?!
  • Engage in more of society
  • Danica – the knit spritzer
  • I really want to love you all. Help me to love you more
  • Just tell me and I will reflect it right back atchoo baby
  • Drink more
  • Understand an anus...

CUNT STUFF

  • Not always been amazing in 2016
  • How can we make 17 as one?
  • ...when the shit goes down, look to your pals.
  • I made some mistakes, sorry. 
  • - don’t apologise to us, we all do = being human.
  • everyone thinks Morrisey is a cunt – agreed
  • I judge everyone!
  • Subjectifying difference


ABSOLUTE TRUTHS – by vote

  • I love you and I don’t give one fuck where you end up – TRUE
  • Can we stop pretending?
  • We don’t need other people to make us happy
  • Positive relationships are relationships which are only truthful
  • There is only one thing that matters....love...everything eventually comes back to love – even fear comes back to love in the end
  • I don’t understand me (neither do I)

And here does end that particular bend.

Thursday, 20 July 2017

Writing is right in for me

I’m on a mission to raise my online profile.
So that I can acquire me a paying position where I write about a current condition.
Or the predicament of my latest disposition.
Or my adventures and disasters brought about by my own volition.

Whatever the subject I will be happy to describe, as a writer and author or even a scribe.

Why should I write for you?
What is it exactly that I do?

Well I have eyes and ears and a taste for all things new.
There isn’t that much that I wont do.
I come from a belief to try everything once and always be true to you
and of course if you ‘Just Ask’ nicely you will see what I can do for you....

A bit about me:


I am an undercover 41 year old with an adventurous soul and more energy than I can safely channel in one earth day. I love to travel, meet people, be creative, manage projects, go to festivals, drive the coast, rave on the dancefloor and chill on beaches. But mostly I like to write it all down from my quirky, sparkly perspective.

I love to experience and critique mostly food, ale, gin and wines but most definitely also beaches, drag acts, soft furnishings, shoes, adrenaline activities and things that make you go Mmmmmmmm. (WOW that last sentence sounds like a perfect weekend!)

I launched this blog in 2009. The main platform for my published work as well as the link through to all my freelance reviews, interviews, social media and photography work, including reviews for online festival company: FestivalsForAll.com 

My day job in the public sector, carried out successfully for over 14 years, has honed a valuable set of skills: public speaking, negotiation, preparation, innovation, creativity, the power of the honest blag and the belief that communication and OCD organising are the staple of an efficient and exciting approach to life.

A multi tasking legend, I also manage an eclectic creative business, exposing me to sensational experiences such as my membership to an installation crew at Glastonbury, working with local theatre groups and performance artists and charging about locally with my bespoke photobooth.

I am passionate about protecting the environment, ethical lifestyles, daring greatly and championing the rights of minority groups. I am against animal cruelty, materialism, global division and try to contribute towards saving the world one smile at a time. Writing about adventures and experiences brings me joy, hilarity and meaning, often all at the same time.

To write is my highest truth, my absolute ambition.

Just Ask

What is it with the fear of not asking questions?

I've noticed it has become a common phenomenon for people to be anxious, self conscious or even fearful of asking questions. 
And yet to ask is a great show of respect. 

Just Ask! It shows that you are interested in something and that you want to know more.

Just Ask! It shows you may not understand something and instead of blundering in with your assumptions and judgements you wish to be clear, accurate and to seek clarity.

Just Ask! If you have an agreement between you and another that seems to have changed or grown awkward, asking and checking shows that you care about being fair.


Just Ask! If someone is going through something you cannot relate to, no matter how traumatic, asking them about it, WILL help. Ignoring it or making assumptions shows you cannot consider their needs first. 

Sometimes asking a question shows that YOU need a little help.
And whats wrong with that?

How can you expect people to know what you need, if you do not ask?

Remember the days before satnav? When the gender of men were regularly berated and belittled for being either fearful or too stubborn to ask for directions?

Well that fear of asking, that fear of ‘people will see I don’t know’, has spread. And now people cower, when I say, Just Ask!

Coming from a world where I am often over looked, based on peoples assumptions that I am eternally strong and cope with everything life throws at me, I have had to learn to just ask for help, support and company. When life has been too hard for me to continue alone, I Just Ask for help.

Equally I have friends who 'drop of the radar' when times are hard on them. So I have found I have to reach out to them when my 'spider sense' goes off and I just ask them how they are doing, just ask if they need help or a cuppa or for me to pop round  and help clean and tidy their space.

Just Ask! Even when I get a few nerves, I have found every single answer (I kid you not) has led to a helpful conversation at least, but mostly a beautiful bonding or worthwhile learning experience.

Are we all so ignorant in our own assumptions that we think we know it all?

All the time? That’s just ridiculous.

There is always two sides to a story.

There is always another way of doing something.

There is always something we don’t know, something we cant experience, something we cant relate to and cant understand.

The only way to engage with it is to...just ask. 

Just Ask has become a very simple life strategy for me.

It has changed my world at times, especially when I have needed help and have been too low in self belief to think I deserve understanding or help.


It has also had smaller impacts on my life. Smaller but daily impact.

For example it has prevented me from travelling in the wrong direction, causing offence, being in the wrong place at the right time or buying something that nobody wants.

It has helped open doors to beautiful friendships, amazing conversations and creative collaborations.

I could not survive most days if I wasn’t able to just ask and I certainly would not survive my travels through such a diverse and exciting world of people if I didn’t just ask at times. 

Whats the worse thing that can happen? They say no or I don't know?

And that's ok.

Yet the best thing that could happen is that you learn something, you can converse without ignorance.

You can help and be helped.

Just Ask – its simple but it works.

Festival reviews for 2017

I’ve been having a wonderful time in the festival fields of 2017.

You can find my reviews here...

Knockengorrach

Eden Festival

Beatherder

It has to be said that this has been a year of different experiences and different expectations, different paces and many new faces.

Being single put a new slant on the build up to my festivals this year. One effect was extremely positive and empowering. I had all the time in my own world to plan, prepare, build and excite. I could do things my way and without asking too much of those who perhaps did not appreciate the responsibility of creating the exciting annual festival circuit the way I do.

However it does make you realise how nice it is to share it with someone, how helpful to have a second set of ideas, hands, driver and support. It made me appreciate how nice it had been to not always be fully responsible for everything.

But them’s the breaks. You don’t know what you have got until its gone do you?

And to be fair, the times I really needed help, I was able to ‘Just Ask’ a friend or few and then, with more hands on deck and minds to bounce off, everything soon fell into place. Which is not really enough of a reason to warrant a relationship eh? Anyway...

So this year my festival life did not feel as full on. Perhaps the pace? Perhaps the lack of stress and anxiety, although to be fair there was still some, always is with such epic deadlines to meet. But nothing near previous years of stress. The positives were new plus ones. New friends, new faces many new adventures in exciting places. All leading to memories that I will treasure forever, even through some pretty dire festival weather.

Because really truly deeply, spending time in a field with those you love best,
Listening to music and dancing until we collapse into bed,
Is absolutely my favourite thing to do while escaping real life and waiting on what life will bring next.

I have just one more festival booked in - Lost Disco, Croatia. EPIC adventure to a festival abroad which I have never done before. So bring that on in August!

Then I have no idea what the next step will be, hopefully someone might employ me...
To write in the morning, or write in the night, I really don't mind as long as they pay me right!
I'd love to do this daily and finish a book I wrote too,
Constantly day dreaming about where my next adventure will take me to.

What is life’s next big mission for Citizen Rain?


Sunday, 7 May 2017

Rise Above

While everything is turning
The ashes from old fires still faintly burning
You still feel the daily tear of each yearning
Left with nothing but the memory of a lesson worth learning.

When nothing seems quite right nor bright
You toss and turn through every night
No sense of direction is a constant personal fight
Each final little fear that grips you with pure fright
You have nothing left to offer towards a good fight
No courage for speeding away in flight

When you’ve only been looking behind you
When your cheek is blindly turned
When you’ve searched for all your soul pieces
And consumed each lesson to be learned

Then you shall rise above to new heights
Hold your head high
Breathe
Smile and know that you are free
Sniff the daisies and buttercups that grow beneath your buckled knees.

When you cease to sense the strain of turning
And live in time with here and now
When appetite to continue learning is returning
Then your heart may be healing its sorrow

When everything is balanced and the only way is up
Its time to face my own music and turn the volume up
For I am a nervous new born warrior
My battle scars as yet uncut
My future is bold and basic
My kingdom dream a meagre beach hut

I’ll see you when I find true new me and have let the old me go
To return to you a better version of all the parts you love and know
I’m off to tame my thunder and dance beneath the moon
Say thanks for all my lessons learnt and not a minute too soon

When everything is turning
I’ll become a spiral too
And flow and spin through every moment
Send out wishes to all of you
Shouting “I’ve made it, I’ve made it!”
I’ve got through thick and thin.
Today’s is the beginning of time
Let the chapter begin

I loved you so much

I loved you so much but how did you steal me from myself?
Floki, Vikings, TV series 2016-2017

Monday, 3 April 2017

Dads Advice

Dads advice...

Sell house quick
Downsize
Get the fuck out of the NHS
Do what you want

Love him x

Sunday, 2 April 2017

What does finding me mean?

I have been thinking a lot about travelling. About having a gap year once I finish my studies and the house sells. Please, dear goddess of goodness, let the house sell quick.
I will have no ties. I long for change. For growth. For movement.
For walking barefoot more than in shoes.
For feasting my eyes, in fact all my senses on pastures new spectacular views.
Stepping out of all my comfort zones and crossing international time zones.
So I wrote of list to guide me, what does this journey mean?

To be with only me for so long, I get me better and know my purpose.

To experience helping others in more abundance globally.

To wander aimlessly and ponder.

To have experiences and adventures.

To find inner peace and then my forever home country.

To fulfill a 20 year long dream.

To make connections.

To be inspired.

To give thanks, randomly, globally.

To be an activist and contribute towards saving the world!


Saturday, 1 April 2017

Angelic Reiki

So I'm at the end of day one of a long but meaningful two day Angelic Reiki course and I'm totally blown away.
Spiritual, emotional, physical shifts in my awareness & universal power already. I can feel it's still working on me. I've learnt so much about my life's jny, the why's, the learning, the points I've slooooowly but surely been working towards. Like a wise old turtle.
I've seen what my next opportunities can be & discovered my core life purpose.
I met many archangels, discovered who my guardian healer archangel is & met my whole enlightened 'healing team'... and there's fucking loads of them!
From ancient mythical beings, to fairies,  loved ones & animals. It's been an utterly whole new level of self discovery from right back to some of my childhood behaviours linked to my archangel constantly guiding & supporting me. To recent near misses or close escapes I've even remarked 'something is watching over me.' Actual memories I've assumed were me being weird or coping with the trauma around me, all linking to my future destiny & building my power. Incredible.
I knew this course was what I needed to do for me. I knew it would help heal & shift my current conscious distress & disordered thinking. I never expected it to mean so much, shift so much, heal so much, to discover so much & ultimately realise my true potential so immediately, that my whole view on the rest of my life's purpose has already changed.
BOOM. Just like that.
I got to practice my skills & experience the true healing power of 100% unconditional love.
I am humbled by the privilege of working at such an amazing spiritual level with such pure & ascended masters.
I know many people will roll their eyes & remark what a load of pish hippy mumbo jumbo. That's OK. Just keep watching.
Because Citizen Rain is about to explode into yet another version of herself. My purpose is clear, my heart is true. Follow my light & watch what I can do.
Love you all.
Especially the non believers.

Tuesday, 21 March 2017

Bad days deserve positive distractions

Today is a day that really sucks.

My mind has been wondering through the valley of past memories and wonderful experiences.

All great memories but not when you realise the companion of those memories is no longer in your life.

Anniversaries are never easy I guess.

So I am distracting myself with something completely different...


My single life and in particular today, my Feng Shui Tibetan Power surging comfort space: My bed.


Its a place of refuge for me some days. Other days it’s a place of pride.

Its not my bed, its not even my room, although I rent it, its not my home but I am personalising it for the short time that I will be here.

Happy for the safety of a reliable roof above my head, a welcoming bed and a great friend to help nudge me out of the negative cycles that run through my head and heart.

But my distraction today is to explain to you two things that I love about my new, all be it temporary, bed:

1) The two Tibetan cushions on it create a beautiful energy in the middle, that when I lay or sit between them, I can feel their healing power

2) At night I put the cushions at the bottom of my bed and pretend they are loyal dogs sleeping on my feet

There. That’s how I get through each night alone, with my spiritual cushions being fake dogs at the foot of my bed.

Tuesday, 14 March 2017

Big Burns Supper 2017

Credit Big Burns Supper 
This year’s Big Burns Supper was a whole new level.

There was yet another great eclectic programme of events, activities and artists.

There were over 60 performances in partnership with 12 pubs, theatres and venues in Dumfries.
It drew in impressive crowds.

We had Lulu, The Scottish version of Cilla Black really, but here all the same, in Dumfries! Those that went gave it rave reviews.



There was local favourites, new comers as well as international favourites including the feet flying, fiddle flinging, bag pipe creations from the Peatbog Fairies. All filling the floor with movers and groovers with their hands waving in the air, long hippie hair because they don’t care.

A Queer Haggis version of Le Haggis – both of which were mind-blowing and awesome.

And most importantly for me, BBS was the perfect antidote to a particularly personally challenging week. Showing me, without a doubt, that no matter how dark one part of your day can be, you can choose to push through it and walk into the light. Or in my case Glitter.

 

Challenge accepted – naturally my glitter brushes broke of course so I just had to resort to using my hands – the hard ship..

Also - Put on this crew tartan plaid Lou and go act as the Le Haggis lead singer’s bouncer while he is on centre podium and stop the over excited ladies groping him - Challenge accepted.  A riot.

And - Go get that bloody woman’s phone off her Lou, she is filming everything, take it off her, slap her if you have to! Challenge accepted -  but approach somewhat amended into a compassionate leadership style warning that ended with her heartfelt apology, handing it over voluntarily and a kiss on the cheek for me. Done.

So where did all this begin?

Big Burns Supper Carnival - click here for video

The starting event walks through the people lined streets of Dumfries. 

BBS Carnival Parade - Pic credits Hazel Gardiner








.



















As this year’s spectacular carnival was led by a timely and poignant Pride not Prejudice lantern parade which included people from across our multi-cultural, multi-race, multi-faith and multi-faceted communities who stood side by side, proud in their diversity
Proud to say ‘we are part of and very much love Dumfries and Galloway, here we are showing our support.’ Here comes the change!











BBS – Breaking Boundaries Smiling

This January, the 2017 celebration of Rabbie Burns, was all about the community and the way Dumfries embraces their right to translate his poetry, his lifestyle, his historical roots of expression, into the modern diverse world that we all live in right now.

In an effort to utilise local resources and venues this year the BBS crew teamed up brilliantly with the management of the Easterbrook Hall and turned that venue into an entirely different place. It was a spectacular effort. A new approach and an epic transformation.

BBS Easterbrooke Hall decor - Pic credits Kelly Hamilton
























.





Never before have I walked into the Easterbrook Hall and been so Wowed. Each room so well
presented, decorated, mood-lit and constantly full of great programme entertainment.


From folk, spoken word, Scottish Ceilidh, solo artists absolutely rocking it, Metal, Ska, Soul, Choir, Comedy, Haggis Hunting, Classical, Ukulele rock and roll (yep!), Bagpipe poetry, Quantum Magic, Country, Contemporary wind instruments coupled with electronics, traditional Irish music, Talent development events, Tribute Bob Dylan, Plays, Monologues, the Transform project that worked across a number of communities across Dumfries to support them in expressing their local diversity and performance talent, and of course the first ever Sunday Session mahousive party which saw three rooms at the Easterbrook hall and sixteen different bands, not counting the open mic, the spoken word and the live Art performance feature from London based artist- The Line Girl.

Is that not some list?

Due to my own schedule and personal situation I could not attend as much as I wished to. But what I did attend was a life changing experience for me. Certainly in that way when you rise so high from being part of something meaningful, or dancing to great bands who have such charisma that the room energy changes and definitely from times of heightened senses by being impressed by the acrobatic performances. But mainly it changed my world view by being able to step into the world of the BBS.

To take part in the Pride not Prejudice part of the parade and to languish backstage gleefully rubbing glitter onto various body parts of many beautiful talented people.

I was privileged. At times I was on the edge of emotional, because during great happiness and wonder you can get a lump in your throat that reminds you how long its been since you felt this good.

So breaking it down into my favourite aspects:

Burns Night Live - click here for video

Seven performances, haggis eating dinner (the veggie option for me was fantastic), Ceilidh kicking, poetry slamming. A great night out. Confession – my first ever Burns Supper! Yes, yes I know, I’ve been in Scotland 20 years and apart from a primary school dinner time initiation involving a stuttering version of Willie Wastle and addressing the Haggis, I had no idea how the Scottish celebrated Burns Night.

Turns out, Dumfries is THE biggest loudest proudest place to be if you want to celebrate Burns Night. And it really was live, around the world. The BBS crew providing those of us lucky enough to be sitting munching, drinking and enjoying the show, with social media updates and the opportunity to wave at the live feed camera. ITV Scotland Border even came along and put the Programme Director (Executive Producer) through his paces on live national television!

BBS Crew Burns Supper YMCA - Pic credits Citizen Rain


My two favourite parts of the evening had to be the BBS crew interrupting the addressing of the Haggis to launch into the YMCA and an incredible spoken word performance by a local pint size Scottish lass with an incredible mind blowing way with words. 



Burns Night Supper Cara McNaught
Pic credit Galina Walls
Galinawallsphotography.co.uk




Reciting her own political social statement, bang on point, on the button and raw, the kind you see on the back of a pub toilet door and think, “thats bloody incredible!”

Where can I read more?



I got to mingle with such an eclectic group of interesting people. I bumped into people I haven’t seen for years. The most hilarious scenario was a lovely older lady who I recognised straight away from my days living in Lockerbie.
She was my practice nurse at my local GP. Gulp....





So you can imagine my embarrassment when she approached, with her friendly yet inquisitive  face and enquired, ‘I ken yer face hen, but whir dee I ken yer frae?’...

...“Errr well mostly vaginal swabs and hormone injections love.”

Not exactly my actual spoken words, thankfully my brain to mouth filter was working. But I did make a joke of it and we both roared. I guess she gets that a lot. I hope. Maybe?

Apart from my presence the night was othwise suitable for children so it was lovely to see families there, enjoying the Ceilidh, the food and the world wide exposure to the exciting celebration amongst the revellers and artists. Everyone soaking up the Burns tribute.

For my first Burns Supper it wasnae bad at all, quite braw indeed.

Queer Haggis
If you have never seen the award winning Le Haggis, either at the Edinburgh fringe or in Dumfries,  then shame on you. But if you have, just imagine its entire stunt spinning spectacular Scottish soundtrack glory... but with Queer Haggis there are extra camp juicy cherries on top.This year included a full crew dressed up in drag, glitter or fancy dress, so the whole event was about embracing your weird, your diversity and certainly about being just a little bit kinky and coarse.

BBS Le / Queer Haggis Galina Walls
Galinawallsphotography.co.uk
All great fun of course.



A throw back to an old story line taken from their original inspiration six years ago, of running a story through the show, with just a dash of spice, a sprinkle of naughty but nice and many gasps from the crowds from over excitement and hilarious combinations of bare bum kilted rock and roll, and utterly sexy performers. Dragged up was the constantly disgruntled Drag Act Ivana, (there aint no way you can call her a Queen any more, she's far too dirty).

She is crude, rude and wishing she was nude, the loud and gregarious Mancunian Ivana.

Who was in mourning, of course, over the loss of her secret lover, George Michael. She repeatedly caused havoc among the audience with her inappropriate ways of seeking physical attention for her poor grieving heart. Which mostly involved sitting on laps and then accusing people of being ‘dirty bastards.’ 

(No images I am afraid as she is too adult content to risk in my blog...)


There was a beautiful duet ribbon twirling performance with the sexy lingerie clad lady stretching into unbelievable positions and the blind folded man, keeping her spinning and mirroring or complimenting her stunning shapes.

Queer Haggis
Pic credits Galina Walls Galinawallsphotography.co.uk
There was a bare-chested tight jean leg handsome man swinging in and out of a bath tub from nothing but two long straps which he  used with his hands, his feet and his arms to impressively display Olympic precision strength and ability to actually twist himself up and over, up and over, up and over. Beautiful poses and inspiring strength and stamina.

Cara MagnificentmcnaughQueer Haggis
Pic credit Galiana Walls
Galinawallsphotography.co.uk 


He then wound himself high up into the rafters poised legs pinned horizontal, wrists wrapped before dramatically dropping down to a perfect splash and pose to all the roars across the floors. But what the ladies went wild for were all the times he swung from side to side across the bath splashing them with water. Wet ladies in that audience for shizzle.

Incredible juggling, solo song performances, a PVC clad big mama playing the wazoo out of her twazzoo, LGBT specific stand up comedian and a burlesque sword swallowing show girl  stunt goddess that set the house on fire, almost literally, with the impressive fire headdress the sword swallowing beauty donned for one of her entrances.

And how could one not be bowled over by the reappearance, literally in the flesh, of the one and only waxing lyrical being satirical totally political but pointing out the obvious principle the daring invaluable and invincible,
Cara Magnificentmcnaught.

It was all incredibly spectacular and great fun



One particular female act, Velma Von Bon Bon, who performed around a tall pole with a half circle

bowl of water on the top began her performance like a cross between a clumsy Frank Spencer and a totally wrecked Ab-Fab Patsy. Numerous failed attempts to get up the pole into her bowl had the crowd in stitches. Acting shit on these types of apparatus is actually more challenging than making the perfectly symmetrical moves, so huge kudos to her. All eyes were on her. Until....

...she asked the audience for a participant, a male participant, someone submissive, who would do as he was told. All eyes hit the ground. I watched as she slowly rotated around her pole, she rolled her eyes as her pointing finger scoured across the crowd as all male eyes remained firmly fixed to the floor and not one man stepped forward. As she reached the final corner where I was sat, man or not, I felt obliged to help the woman out and flung up my hand.

I will!
Citizen Rain and Velma Von Bon Bon Queer Haggis
Pic Credits Citizen Rains pal
I clambered disgracefully onto her podium and held onto the bowl topped pole to steady my nerves, my heels, my spinning head – what was I doing up here? I was barely able to get out the front door earlier and now I’m covered in glitter and on stage in front of an audience. Dear lord, take a breath. Ahhh fuck it, roll with it. On went the persona! And out came Lorrain...TGMLYA x


My participation entailed a little bit of dancing (not great in the heals I had on), helping to rip off her bikini line wax strips, pre-lined with muff hair which I then stuck on her shoulders, she wasn’t expecting that! But then she gave me a huge pump action water cannon and I was guided off the podium to stand well back and practice shooting her in the face. Well. I wasn’t expecting that.

BBS Queer Haggis
Galina Walls
Galinawallsphotography.co.uk
Perfect shot, but I couldn’t stop. Poor young Jack, who is an incredible young name to watch, this year taking on the stage manager role and during Queer Haggis dressed in a cute little Elf outfit, anyway he had a stiff word with me “Stop now Lou, Timing” and crouched cautiously nearby for my cue. Velma Von Bon Bon said, ‘typical Lorrain, comes early like most men.’

She then perfectly performed an incredible feat of twists and turns to finally climb gracefully up into the bowl of water and as she performed a handstand on top of the bowl of water! Impressive indeed. And my cue to shot my canon load all over her face as she held the handstand and then lowered herself in and out of the bowl. Utterly impressive and got me wet too.








Ward and Watson
On Saturday, I was very much enjoying being on hand with the Le Haggis staff crew and back stage glitter and eyelash sticker, watching the acts perform and totally shimmer.

I got the opportunity to take leave for an hour or so, by way of an alternative interlude from the glamour of Easterbrook Halls and hike across town to another BBS Programmed venue, the Brigend Theatre, to watch Ward and Watson perform.

Such a great pair of women reaching out to the world through their own musical expression and connection with life. They have a wonderful sound, beautiful and unique, meaty at times too, such potential ahead for these new comers.




The Dohl Foundation
LED Trainers Rock
Pic credits Citizen Rain
Sunday Session at Big Burns Supper involved sixteen different performances in three stage areas. But there was only one that really stuck out to me. Anything ethnic with drums and I am there. So you can imagine my excitement to learn The Dohl Foundation had come on stage just when I was given a 20 minute role call warning until my own performance began.
I skipped into the hall to the booming thrum of the Indian melodic beautiful drum dance beats of The Dohl Foundation.

Somewhat disheartened by instructions from our performance artist to not get sweaty, as this would cause issues with the paint that was about to line over my body. Darn! But I understood. I had one good fandango groove on with my LED trainers in disco mode. Could not believe the lead drummer had the same LED trainers!

Imagine co-joined stage to dance floor bounces being had before the song bounced and crashed to an impressive finale and I then turned immediately and left, pre-sweat warning was on, yet I was only hot and happily bounced right up. One song wonder but it was the musical highlight of my day.


Little bit of back story - I have followed Afro Celt Sound System for over 20 years. I love Banco de Gaia, Transglobal Underground and such like. So imagine my utter disbelief when I met said LED trainer wearing lead drummer, none other than THE Johnny Kalsi from the Dohl Foundation and looked into his eyes and saw not only a reflection of my ancient history, my life and loves but a strong sense of DeJaVu-I know-You! How’s that?

Bloody well turns out not only does he play in The Dohl Foundation but he played with Afro Celt Sound System AND Transglobal Underground. So as far as this man is concerned he is a god in my eyes. I know him because I have been at the front of many of their gigs. And I mean THEIR gigs. Not just at a festival, of which I have many other glorious memories of seeing these guys perform, my friends dancing, the highs we had and the golden sunshine memories, but on their own tours too. And here was the very man, talking to me, in our LED trainers. It was an immense convergence. A true gift of meeting someone you know you have already spent a lot of time with. Hilarious.  In Dumfries!

The Dohl Foundation - Pic credits TDF
I could have held onto Johnny Kalsi and talked about cosmic connections all night but I was performing and had to dash off to my own performance.

Sunday Session
So then my Sunday session boosted into something quite euphric and surreal, pushing boundaries but still feel, still keeping it real. To me annyway! It became a liberating, slightly awkward at first, big ole confidence push to sit completely naked on a tartan back drop and line floor. The Line Girl, did a fantastic job painting three of us and herself into a body statement of Scottish body blankets. Once dry we posed, moulded and cavorted in all our glorious stripes and shapes for nearly 5 hours.

The Line Girl & her work
Pic credit The Line Girl - http://www.thelinegirl.com/art 
www.thelinegirl.com/art  Look her up! Amazing work, so intricate, delicate yet bold.

I put myself in a position I had never been in before. I took my kit off, apart from knickers, in front of an audience and sat while I was painted in lines that blended me into a tartan tribal body tribute. 

Polaroid!
Pic credit Wendy Rippingale

Feeling super body conscious at first, the conversations and laughs,  the audience appraisal, particularly from friends who I never ever thought I’d show my naked body too, EVER, laughed and sniggered but mostly kept my courage boosted. 
From great vulnerability comes courage. 
It is where courage is born. 
I owned me.
I was reborn that day. 

...(into myself not some weird cult / religious / naturist thing...dont worry)






As soon as the paint was on I felt clothed. I even stood up at times and talked to people from my work. Totally forgetting everything was on show and flying free. It really didn’t matter to me. This was also brand new news to me. I was embryonic and easy in my exploration of free.


I discovered I am not body conscious and am indeed proud of what I have. Curvy and swurvy, that’s my definition and I’m sticking to it, right? Happy.


We all wear the same body after all. We are all beautiful beings.
Human versions of Individual vessels.


Interpreting life,  hopefully doing good along the way, through all the diverse doorways to adventure and pathways with many forks to guide and decide us, define and refine us into creative considerate collaborators. Full of synchronicity, the power of connection and beauty. Being as diverse and eclectic in proof of each others colourful fusion in the never ending rainbow of life. 

Our bodies are the very symbol of unique diversity. It is but mere contortions and versions, angles and shapes we see. What is more important is what we don’t see. Who inside really are we?
What have you been through thats made you who you are?
How do you evolve through lifes trials, tribulations, trips and transitions?
How do you measure your personal growth?
Are you a decent human being?
What key actions define you?

Actually being art certainly makes you think.

BBS Parade  - Pic credit Suzi Hunter


I wrapped a scarf around myself for dinner and to go for a smoke though. A lady does not have ones tits out at the dinner table. Unless one is the table, of course. And smoking naked is just pure dead hazardous and ridiculous when you live in Scotland. So body shame free I laid around in glee and bliss as people tried to work out what on earth we had to do with Rabbie Burns.

Pure dead naked interpretive celebration of the body as a work of art. Especially Scottish as we were blended into tartan. Simple.

Once our performance was over, I spent the rest of my evening having a ridiculous good time back stage with a bath full of ice and beer. Trying various attempts at a performers mannequin challenge but we were all too hyped in various ways to get it right for long enough. Much giggling and camera person falling over things. All good fun.

I eventually ended my night dancing my socks off, which I had conveniently put back on along with some clothing and my LED trainers in party mode and slowly turned my orange stripes into an all over orange tango colour foundation. I went home with a beam on my face, a buzz in my mind and a bright orange body.


Evette Dionna hand heart
I made new memories with old friends who blanketed me in love and support in my hours of need.
I made new memories with local talented musicians who I am always delighted to bump into now I know them.
I went home having made strange powerful connections and new friends for life.
I went home liberated and just a little bit more courageous than I had started that week.


Thank you Big Burns Supper.

Not only did you impress me with your endeavours to up your game using local venues and resources but you totally wowed me and the members of the public I spoke to. Which if you know me, you will know is a lot of people. I like to make friends and gather feedback.

But also thank you for reminding me what community is, what friends are for, what an idiotic crazy eclectic beautiful crew you are and for reminding me I have a tribe in you, as you bring out the absolute nutter in me.



BBS – Breaking Boundaries Smiling
BBS – Breakup Blues Solution
BBS - Being Bloody Spectacular

Finally, I have emerged a little less Blue Lou B Lou of Bluetopia Creations and a bit more Lorrain from Citizen Rain. No pain. No shame. Still Lou but with Rain. Quite different but ultimately the same. Not plain. Nor a strain. Quite unable to complain. No disdain. Occasional moments of insane but always back to retraining my brain to reign my world again.