Thursday, 19 November 2009

Farewell Mum

I am trying to deal with the sad passing of my dearly adored and much loved mum. She died suddenly at the young age of 63, peacefully in her home one day. Gladly without any pain or suffering. It is only those who are left behind who feel the pain and suffer. We miss her.

She has left a gaping hole in all our lives and all our hearts. For her vitality and beauty was wondrous. She recharged you when she was around, with her generous cuddles, her wisdom and her compassion. Always her compassion.

I try to talk about her everyday, i try to carry on bravely, in her honour, enriching my life as best I can, as if she is here watching, saying well done Lou, that was a good thing you did. I talk to her as if she is right by my shoulder. But i miss her. Sometimes so much it is a huge weight to bear.

Yesterday was my first day back at work. I have the best boss and the most supportive team ever, enabling me to manage my own ‘phased’ (slow and gentle) return. And for my first day, it was ok.
Very emotional, very very draining and my concentration was shot to pieces. I didn’t do much work, just tried to settle in. I enjoyed the stories of mum, for so many people had worked with her, knew her or wanted to express how they had met her once and the strong impression she made on everyone.

Today is my first morning of getting back to a routine of some quiet time before the house wakes. Time to write, reflect and kick start my imagination. I woke before my alarm (always a joy for me because we have a horrid alarm at the moment.) i got snuggles and cuddles from my wonder man before i slipped out of bed to make porridge. Porridge, green tea and my writing time. Mum would usually be getting up now too.

But nothing comes today. I sit at my screen and stare, for nothing is there. Mum is not there.
And this morning the pain of losing her seems too much to bear.
All i can think to type, is how i feel. No grand gestures. No quirky conundrums. No discussion points. No stories. No blogs. No lessons to learn. No moans or groans, no delightful tales to relay.

Just a dark rainy day, with no mum.

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